When I am down.

When I feel helpless, I feel like I want to cry and this is what I am feeling now. Many of a time, things aren't in your control. You feel like you want something to happen but when people around fails to co-operative, you are often rooted to the ground. We are often hindered to do something because we are concerned about the feelings of others. In such situation, what shall we do?

My Aunt was supposed to have a Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy (TLH) done on Wednesday afternoon but half way through the surgery, the doctor discovered an adhesion of intestines due to the previous operation and had to switch to Abdominal Hysterectomy (AH). In other words, the abdomen is now suffering from a vertical incision from AH as well as 3 holes from TLH.

To my Aunt, it seems like she had gone through surgery for two times and she has this thinking that she has undergone a really MAJOR surgery. Nevertheless, she was actually feeling and looking fine when I visited her two days after the surgery. However, her conditions declined drastically yesterday night. Her abdomen become extremely bloated and cold sweats started rolling down her forehead. She looked pale and was breathless while talking. When I arrived, Uncle D was there padding on her back; hoping to release the air in her abdomen. I tried teaching her some deep breathing exercises to help her relax but to no avail. Later, the patient across the room advised on some “Fruit skin” juice and Uncle D was in such a hurry that he grabbed me along to go home to cook it. It was 8pm then. I didn’t return to the hospital but it was around 11pm when I reached my hostel.

During my visit today, she looked better with her IV drip back on and a gastric tube through her nose. Below her was a bag, containing a packet of black substances collected from the tube; the doctor had suggested that it was some discharge from the intestines and stomach. Her abdomen was not as bloated but she could only utter a few words to me. I bought her a hot pack to relieve her sore muscles due to prolong bed rest; it was splendid that she felt more comfortable with that. I gave her some massaging and encouraged her to sit up and do some stretching exercises; at least, being a Physiotherapy student, I have a responsibility to keep her muscle active. Before we left, she was able to pass motion; it’s really a good sign.

On further conversation with my relatives, I found out that Uncle D gave her some Fungus capsules and we were discussing about the possibility that it has caused the deteriorating condition. Aunt K and Uncle W had wanted to tell D but they were afraid of heating up an argument as Uncle D has always been strong on his view. He would blame on the food or the water drank in the hospital instead of his capsules.

Discussions after discussions, they did not come to a conclusion; at last, they asked my Mummy in Singapore to help. The outcome is still not known by me yet. It doesn’t matter anyway; I just hope that Aunt Bonnie gets well soon.


From this incident, I have realised how well my Daddy, Mummy and Brother has brought up me. I am now capable of taking care of myself, care about other’s emotions, and stand on my feet to make decisions. When I look at my cousins, I feel helpless. I seriously do not know how to educate them when they are so oblivious of the things around them. One of them, who is only 1.5 years younger than me, couldn’t decide on the things he is going to study. He needs to hand in his subject registration tomorrow and he handed in to his Dad to decide. I asked him to look through on his own and he said, “I should have gone to Mummy today and asked about it. She will scold me if I chose the wrong thing.” All of a sudden, I could not believe what I have heard; most of the 18 years old I know would say that they wouldn’t care about what Mummy thinks as this is their own interest. He is so disinterest in the things he does. How will he ever do it well then? Dishes were left in the sink for 3 days. Doesn’t know how to operate the washing machine and doesn’t even want to learn when I was teaching Uncle W how to do it. If I was like them, my brother would have reprimanded before my parents did. However, I am not their brother and they do not look up to me like how I look up to my brother. I tried to correct them at times, but they will give me astonishing answers that I could never have thought of. Uncle W has also never been a very good role model. As a relative and not really a family member, I dare not say a word. I am not afraid of hurting their feelings as they are young but its Aunt Bonnie who will be hurt that I am fearful of.

This is what I think and it shall remain as what I think. They are not mature enough as Uncles have mentioned. But, I think in such situations, it is the best time to make them grow. Sadly, it is not happening. What shall I do? What can I do? This New Year is really devastating; Aunt is not getting well, cousins are not behaving, relatives are arguing behind each other’s back, my mind is so not concentrated. I have been thinking about so many possibilities that would be happening. I have no mood to exercise, to eat and to complete my intended assignment. Yet, I do not want Daddy and Mummy to worry so much. Am I thinking too much?


Thanks to Bernie for being there online always; answering my questions I have posted. It might just be another normal conversation but it meant so much to me today when I am so down and lost. You might be a jerk to me at times but I never find it hard telling you stuffs. Thanks for being who you are.

I will try to take care of myself and do the best I can.

People varies.

People gossips.

People fights.

When this ‘people’ is referring to relatives and you being a member can just listen, it is unbearable.
I can write, cry, and shout to let out what I feel.

I wrote it here to let God decide what to do, if you know what I meant.

Hope Aunt Bonnie gets well soon.


P.S. I was awarded for the RS-Entrance Scholarship for Outstanding Achievement. It meant something. It will take me sometimes to lift up my spirit and keep up the good work. The problem is that I do not have much time. 5 assignments ahead plus tests at the end of the month.

Belief. Is that what it is needed?

I wrote this post for 2 hours, it does cool me down. :)